Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Wrestling With God
Leap of Faith
I have left this post until now because it is the most difficult to write. How do you reconcile your relationship with God after you have lost a child? Regardless if you are a believer or not, you will think about God after you lose a child. I am reminded of Jacob in the book of Genesis wrestling all night with God. Oh, that our own wrestling with God could be accomplished in just one night!! But Jacob did not relent and thus prevailed, and so must we.
I had always considered myself a strong Christian, but after the loss of Gabriel I really really struggled. Now I have to say "My faith has been tested and I received a C- and that only because God was grading on a curve!"
Here is my advice on faith. Be patient with yourself and with others who are grieving. Everyone has their own "wrestling match" to work through. Some may pull away from God. It's all part of the process. Just be assured that God is still there. As someone noted in a recent article "God Doesn't Blink" . He can handle anything we throw at Him. So go ahead and push, pull, cry, or yell if you have to. This may be the most difficult aspect of moving on with your life after the loss of your child.
Don't let your faith turn to cold concrete that will leave you bitter and unproductive as a human being. Have you ever seen a concrete statue accomplish anything? So take your time but work through your feelings about God. You can ask a friend or clergy to help you , but from my experience unless they have lost a child they really won't be all that much help to you. This is likely something that you will have to work out one-on-one with God.
When I was going through my deepest pain and grief I cried out to God. He spoke to me and said "It was for those tears that I died". It was comforting to me to know that God knew what it was like to lose a child.
I hope you will be comforted too.
Feel free to comment or contact me if you want to talk about this with someone who understands what you are going through.